Last week I had a cranial session with a friend and she detected a huge amount of sadness and grief, the words that came up were “heart stuck in throat”. I told her that that says it all and I know the sadness is always there, but I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t there. That really got me thinking, because for quite a while I’ve been wanting to know where all of this started.
Different aspects/layers of it have come up during several sessions and during daily life.
The most recent incident and first to come up was my best friend ditching me and telling me to leave her alone without telling me why and just leaving me hanging.
It took a lot of work to get throug that one, but the cranial finally dealt with what was left of it.
When I was in my late teens my favorite dog, my aunt’s Schnauzer/Poodle cross died of diabetes. My grandma called me the next day to tell me, but I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
Another incident that came up was my grandpa dying of a brain tumor when I was eight years old and me not being allowed to visit more than once and then not being able to say goodbye when he was sent home to die.
Even further back (I was almost five) we moved to a different town, away from my beloved grandparents and away from the little town that I so loved. I wasn’t asked, it was just done, supposedly for the best of everybody. It was like I had no home anymore, I had been disconnected from my roots and a part of my soul.
The other day I felt like some of this sadness is stored in the roots of my teeth.
I wrote several songs about it in the 1990’s. One is called the West Forest Blues which I wrote in 1993 and recorded in 2001 just with my guitar.
For a long time I had thought that this was the root cause of my sadness, but this week an even earlier incident came up.
My grandparents’ Dachshund had to be put down, I believe I was four. Again I had no chance to say goodbye. It was done and she was gone. My Dad told me she had some kind of a disease, but I never knew exactly what was going on.
It feels like this was the first major incident in my life that started the deep sadness.
When I started working with horses I strongly felt the need to be there everytime one of them had to be put down, it was an honour for me to be there when they were transitioning. It felt good to be there and say goodbye, maybe because I never had the chance before.
When my dog Jesse died he had been preparing me for his departure for a while and I was okay with it, because I knew he wanted to go, and I was there when he took his last breath, plus I had the chance to send him off with a ceremony.
The journey continues…